Events as at October 31st 2012

[mikangirl]

Okay, as people keep misunderstanding or just not understanding what's up with Nami right now, here's the bare bones of that three pages of angst I refrained from writing when I posted. I keep getting people suggesting that she should buy someone a drink and they can go out and comfort each other or whatnot and that's just...not gonna happen. Because Nami's not just traumatised by the draft. She's in meltdown. Zoro's death is just the icing on top of a very wobbly cake.


Let's start with her childhood. Which actually has very little to do with it except for establishing certain fears and behaviour patterns. When she was ten, her mother was shot in front of her by pirates, who then kidnapped her. When her father figure tried to stop her from being taken away, he was horrifically injured and still bears the scars of that to this day. Nami's reaction was to scream that it was okay, it's enough already, she didn't want anyone else to die. Those events have scarred her for life.

Nami's breakdown is over two years in coming. Some older players might remember the poor luck she had when she first arrived, gaining enemies at the drop of a hat and requiring constant intercession by her crew. It culminated in a two week kidnapping by Aku. During that period, Aku staged a failed "rescue" by her crew with his shadows and she watched them all die-- and she didn't realise it was a trick until she'd been rescued. The first two comments of this thread give a fair indicator of exactly how badly she dealt with that. It took her months to leave her house again and start behaving normally, and it amped her drive to keep people safe up to full.

By the same time next year, Nami had recovered, but she still has nightmares and she's still afraid of the dark. The death of people she cares about is hurtful. The death of those people when protecting her? That's one hell of a trigger. But she's a Straw Hat. She can bear all sorts of physical and emotional trauma because she knows she's strong enough to fight through it and continue on.

Then Luceti Valley came. Wherein she was made to believe she was married happily to Zoro, had been for two years, and during the course of that two weeks they naturally had sex, being in desperate love with each other and all. This was one hell of a violation for both of them; Zoro felt he had forced himself onto Nami, Nami had been teasing him for over a year about being married, but there were no feelings, they were just close friends, they were family. Neither coped with it well. Neither knew how to cope with the other person. This is how they both lost their virginity-- and Nami, being raised by a bunch of murderous fishmen and flirting with pirates all her teen years solely to get their money, has serious intimacy issues. The Malnosso proved that with a flick of a switch, they could take away everything that she was sure of, that her identity was just as malleable as water, and without the strength and confidence in herself, without being able to believe that She Is Nami And Will Cope With Everything? On top of her previous trauma, now we through identity issues and the sense that reality can't be trusted.

Reality. What's real? What's a fabrication?

And the waters on Zoro and what he means to Nami are muddied forever forward. And the hatred she has for the Malnosso from here on in is astronomical. She can forgive everything but the sabotage of that close tie with nakama and the violation of what makes Nami Nami.

Then Zoro left Luceti, and he got to forget the violation and what they'd gone through together. She couldn't cope too well with that idea, either. Because-- think about it. If they both lost their virginity, she's magically a virgin when she goes home? What? Zoro too? And one day she'll go home and it's like this monumental event never occurred and they'll both continue on in the relationship they're meant to have, never once remembering the enormity of what happened between them?

Thinking about that too long makes for some very dark thoughts.

Then Noel came back from a mallynapping as Kusanagi, insanely evil because of the Malnosso. Nami couldn't help her. Nami watched her die. It was all that was in her power to do. More hatred of the Malnosso for forcing Noel's friends to kill her, and a growing sense of anger and helplessness that there is nothing any of them can do to avoid being fucked over from their foundations upward.

On top of those traumas, Miyabi died soon after on a draft. In front of Nami. It wasn't her fault; it was very clearly because Miyabi misjudged a combat. But that doesn't matter. Her precious little sister (and daughter from Luceti Valley), and Nami cracked a little bit more, because well, you know. Miyabi's dead! But this is Luceti. The Malnosso will bring her back in a week. Is she allowed to grieve? Is it pointless to grieve when you know they'll be back next week? Help, I dont' know what to feel! Does it matter? Now, she was horribly sick at the time of the draft and also not thinking straight. This thread with Katara sums it up pretty much.

From the time of Miyabi's death, Nami's sense of splintering reality started growing worse. She'd probably have had a meltdown at this point if not for two things: by the time she came back from that draft, she was far too sick to string more than a couple thoughts together anyway, and while she was recovering from that? Bellemere came to Luceti.

Bellemere was a calming influence. Bellemere taught Nami that there could be happiness in this place. Nami started panicking almost from the get go that Bellemere was only here to taunt her, that she'd be yanked away once Nami got used to her being here, and so practically followed her everywhere. But the months passed, and Bellemere stayed, and Nami began to start recovering.

Bellemere's leaving hurt her a great deal, but ultimately didn't damage her. It was a good time in Luceti, and Bellemere's letter written to her gave her a lot of strength to get through things and start turning her thoughts to where they should have been to begin with: plotting to get the fuck out of this hellhole. She got stronger, got more focused, started healing her various scars. The time between Bellemere's arrival and this last draft were probably the most at-ease months she'd had since her first arrival.

So now we hit the draft.

Vash attacked her.
Zoro protected her.
Zoro got bitten because she threw his concentration off, pleading with him not to kill Vash.
Zoro killed Vash at that point anyway.
Zoro got infected and bit Vivi.
Zoro was killed. By Sanji.
Zoro's death is Nami's fault.
Ergo, Vivi's infection is also Nami's fault.


This isn't including other such fun on the event, like watching Kotetsu turn into a zombie.  By that time, she was past being able to be hurt more.  Zoro protected her, and he died for it. This is how she sees things. See: previous trauma regarding Aku. Now throw on top of that Luceti Valley, pulling up not only grief over a dead crewmate but grief tied into residual feelings that Zoro is someone she loves. Now throw on top of that remembering that she and Zoro were never married, and suddenly she's laughing because what the fuck ever, Zoro's death is as real as that time that she and Zoro had sex in a river, it's all as real as the goddamn sky because yes, that's fake too, the draft clearly wasn't real, it doesn't matter, nothing matters, nothing is real, fuck everything, fuck the Malnosso, fuck Zoro, cue hysterical laughter here. And eventually she shuts down or she goes mad, and it's Bellemere's letter she goes to sleep reading to try and find something to focus on and keep her anchored because she has utterly lost any sense of who and what and where because she is grieving so hard while at the time finding it hystericlaly funny that really, there's no need to grieve at all, because What Is Reality Anyway.

And that's why she gets up on the 30th and starts the harvest on her own, because it is literally the only thing she can focus on. Because Bellemere loved her, and Bellemere was here, and Bellemere was proud, and Bellemere loved these trees, and it doesn't matter if the trees aren't real, or they're a gift from the Malnosso, because they are loved by her and her mother, and she'll put every bit of focus on those. And that's also why she didn't ask for help. Not only because she can't function well enough to organise it, but because the idea of having to spend weeks doing nothing but harvesting fruit is Really. Damn. Attractive.

tl;dr version:

The events of the draft took a hammer to all three intertwining traumas that have started fracturing her psyche, and Nami had two choices. Lose grip of herself entirely or shut down to the most basic functions so she doesn't have to think, and she went the second route. Because the second route means she gets to keep her sanity, and right now in her mind it's just a gritted-teeth attempt to hold onto the last parts of her that she can trust, and hold herself very, very gingerly together until the point she can remember who she is and the guilt and the grief are not so all-encompassing and she can move forward. And smile.

Because if you keep on smiling, good things will eventually come your way.

And that's the essay of how my character went crazy.